all shook up
by seemslikeaporno
Summary: It's Bolin's birthday, Tahno stows away in a suitcase, and there is general upset. Or, the gang goes camping. AU.


**all shook up**

( It's Bolin's birthday, Tahno stows away in a suitcase, and there is general upset. | Or, the gang goes camping. AU. )

* * *

"I cannot believe you did this," Mako whispers, feeling a little faint. "I cannot _believe_ you did this to him. To _us_." He leans against the jeep, putting his heads in his hands and taking a few steadying breaths. Asami, taking pity on Mako's fragile state, reaches over and pats his shoulder reassuringly while simultaneously shooting Korra and her boyfriend a disparaging look.

"Calm down," Tahno scoffs, crossing his arms. "I'm here. Get over it." He checks his nails.

"Once _again_," Korra defends, shoving Tahno away by the shoulder. "I _didn't_ invite him."

"That's right!" Tahno says, prodding Korra accusingly in the center of her chest. "You didn't. And we are going to talk about your deliberate inconsideration for my feelings when this trip is over."

"Are we," Korra deadpans.

"We _are_," Tahno insists, frowning.

"Why are you _here_?" Mako despairs, looking as if he is going to have a nervous breakdown. The others each open their mouths to respond, but then Mako wails, "why were you in my _suitcase_?" and every mouth closes.

"Well," Tahno says eventually, raising a very unimpressed brow. "I couldn't just sit in the backseat, could I?"

Once Korra and Asami manage to separate Mako's hands from Tahno's neck, there is time, once again, for civil conversation.

"I am _not_ your friend," Tahno spits, rubbing his neck delicately with two of his fingers and shooting Mako the dirtiest look he can muster from behind Korra.

"I never wanted your friendship!" Mako cries. "I _love_ not being your friend!"

"Mako, please," Asami sighs, rubbing her temples. She holds up a hand when he opens his mouth to argue, gravely reminding him of why they're on this trip in the first place. "What about _Bolin_?"

Mako quiets, then throws his head back in a long groan. "Oh, _God_."

"What about him?" Tahno asks, gingerly stepping from behind his girlfriend.

"This is his _birthday trip_, you dick," Korra spits, stepping on Tahno's foot and twisting her heel until he yelps like a dog. "Why do you think you weren't invited?" she hisses, turning her attention to Mako and Asami when Tahno chooses to investigate his foot wound instead of apologize for his actions. "Damn it," Korra curses, "Bolin's going to be - "

"I'm going to be what?" Bolin asks, apparently back from the bathroom. He peeks around Mako's jeep, grinning sheepishly. "Are you guys talking about me?" He cocks his head and looks as innocent and naïve as a child.

"I am going to _kill you_," Mako hisses, turning to Tahno.

"Listen, buddy - " Tahno retorts, only to be cut off by Bolin falling to his knees and wailing, "NOOOOOOOOO," when he sees who his brother is threatening. Tahno freezes, raising a befuddled brow when Bolin points a shaky finger at him.

"_You_," he says brokenly. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"He snuck into the jeep," Mako says. It is probably a good thing that "throwing someone under the bus" is just an expression, or Tahno would be beneath one.

"No one invited him," Korra adds, furthering Tahno's demise.

Bolin lies facedown on the ground and does not move for a very long time.

/

"Could you _please_ stop glaring at me?" Tahno asks nervously, shuffling as far away from Bolin as he can in the limited space the middle seat offers. When Bolin goes another minute without even blinking, Tahno turns to Korra, whose lap he has been trying to climb into for the last half hour. "Switch seats with me."

"No," she says, leaving no room for argument. "You did this to yourself."

"Why don't you love me?" Tahno laments.

For the first time since getting back in the car, Bolin speaks. "You don't deserve her love."

/

"This is not good," Asami murmurs to Mako when they've stopped at a gas station to fill up the tank.

"You're telling me," Mako mutters, clutching the handle of the pump tightly enough for his knuckles to go white. Asami sighs, reaching to rest her hand atop his in a gesture of togetherness. Mako manages a small smile, leaning forward to peck her on the lips, feeling calm for the first time since Tahno mysteriously appeared from his luggage.

"He's buying a snack," a grave voice says from behind them, causing the couple to startle.

"Bolin," Asami breathes, clutching her chest. She smiles nervously. "You scared me." He is actually continuing to frighten her, a little bit. His returning grin borders on the line of insane and downright _murderous_.

"Let's leave while we still can," Bolin says. His eyes are aflame with Pure Evil. "_Now_," he insists.

/

"Mako," Asami scolds. "For the last time, _turn the car around_."

"Mako, no!" Bolin cries, though is momentarily silenced by Korra punching him in the arm.

Korra leans over the middle console, gripping Mako's shoulder in a way that borders on deadly. "Turn. Around," she growls into his ear.

"No, I have to do this. For _Bolin_," Mako says, actually tearing up when Korra's nails cut into his flesh through the fabric of his shirt. "Jesus, woman, trim your _fingernails_ - "

"Don't call people 'woman'," Asami reprimands, frowning.

"If you don't turn this car around _right now_ - " Korra threatens.

"You can't go back, Mako!" Bolin wails. "He'll ruin everything we've worked for! _Be strong_!"

"Bolin, hush!" Asami snaps. "Mako, turn around!"

"I'm on the _highway_!" Mako cries. "I can't just _turn around_."

"I swear to God, Mako - " Korra says, letting go of Mako's shoulder to reach for the wheel.

"Korra! Seriously?" Mako blusters, knocking her hand away and briefly swerving into the other lane. The person in the car next to them honks and shoots Mako the bird, much to his dismay.

"Turn around!" Korra screams, probably bursting Mako's right eardrum. "_Now_!"

"_Okay_! Jesus _Christ_, I am _turning_ _around_!"

"_BETRAYER_!" Bolin bellows.

/

"I can't believe you _left me_," Tahno grumps from the middle backseat.

"You're lucky we came back," Mako mutters.

/

"It's nice out here," Asami says, stepping out of the jeep and lifting a hand to shield her eyes from the sun. With her other, she pulls out her smart phone, checking the clock. "We made great time, too. We have a few hours before sundown."

"Great," Mako replies, unpacking their things from the back of the jeep (foregoing his suitcase, which is apparently empty now that Tahno is out of it) and setting them on the grass. "Okay, Bolin. How's this for a campsite?" he asks, looking around for his brother. "...Bolin?" he asks, tentatively, when he doesn't see him.

"I'm sulking!" Bolin proclaims from somewhere Mako can't quite pinpoint until Asami ducks down to gaze beneath the jeep.

"This is your fault," Korra hisses, poking Tahno hard in the chest.

"Well, if you'd _told_ me not to come instead of just _ignoring me_," Tahno gripes, "maybe I wouldn't have had to hide in a _suitcase_."

"No sane person would stowaway in luggage!" Korra protests.

"Bolin?" Mako asks, crouching next to the jeep and peeking at Bolin, who is lying facedown beneath it. "You alright, bro?"

"Tahno must die," Bolin says sagely.

"Now, now," Asami tuts, reaching underneath the bottom of the car and rubbing Bolin's back. "He may be awful, but that doesn't mean he deserves to die."

Bolin makes a vague noise of disgruntled agreement into the dirt and then lifts his head to look at Mako. "Why did he have to be here? He makes it impossible to talk to Korra," Bolin says sadly, unable to keep the disappointment off his face.

Mako sighs, carding a hand through his hair. "I know, bro."

"You _don't_ know," Bolin despairs, dropping his forehead on the ground again.

"Bolin," Asami tries softly, moving the hand on his back to the nape of his neck, massaging him there. "Let's go find some firewood, okay? We'll invite Korra," she bribes.

Bolin is crawling from beneath the jeep before Mako even fully realizes what's happening.

"Tahno can't come," Bolin states, turning to give Tahno a death glare.

Tahno rolls his eyes, muttering, "whatever."

"Korra," Asami says. "Would you like to get firewood with us?"

Korra shrugs. "Sure."

"Tahno can't come," Bolin reiterates.

"I _heard_ you," Tahno grouches.

"Then it's settled," Asami says, putting her hands together. "The three of us will find firewood, and Mako and Tahno will set up camp." She smiles so sweetly that Mako doesn't immediately realize he's been left with the lunatic that hid in his suitcase.

"Wait!" Mako calls, but Asami merely blows him a kiss and winks before disappearing into the woods.

/

"This _sucks_," Tahno complains, making a face at the dirt on his shoes. "Why would anyone want to go camping?"

"_Bolin_ happens to think it's fun," Mako says, unrolling his and Asami's sleeping bags and placing them next to each other. "And since Bolin is who we're here for, you can shut up."

"Oh, _very_ clever," Tahno says, sarcasm dripping from each word. "Tell me, hothead; is he ever going to stop pining after my girlfriend? It's starting to get annoying."

"_You're_ annoying," Mako retorts, frowning. "Besides, Bolin isn't _pining_ after her."

"Yes, he is," Tahno says, taking a few steps towards Mako and crossing his arms. "And it's starting to get on my last nerve. Why else do you think I would sneak onto this stupid trip? I had to make sure he didn't make a move on her."

"Bolin isn't like that," Mako argues, turning to face Tahno and crowding into his personal space. "Korra is his best friend, and your jealousy gets in the way of them spending time together. It isn't fair."

"Life's not fair, buddy," Tahno replies, smirking. He reaches to pat Mako's shoulder before sauntering back towards Korra's luggage. "You ought to teach that lesson to your idiot brother."

"He's _not_ an idiot," Mako says through clenched teeth, balling his hands into fists.

Tahno raises a brow, amused. "Sure, okay."

"He isn't. Stop insulting him, Tahno, or you're gonna regret it."

"He's an _ape_," Tahno responds, snickering. "A lovesick, puppy-dog-eyed ape! Tell me, do you think he could even please a woman like Korra?"

Mako promptly punches Tahno in the face.

/

"Why am I not surprised?" Asami says sagely, shaking her head at Tahno's unconscious body.

"I can't believe you!" Korra cries, shoving Mako's chest angrily on her way to Tahno's side. "He could have a concussion!"

Bolin wraps his arms around Mako's waist and nuzzles his shoulder. "You are the best brother _ever_."

/

By the time Tahno wakes up, a fire is crackling and the others are roasting marshmallows.

"...What happened?" he asks, propping himself on his elbow and reaching to rub his nose after a sudden wave of pain washes over the area. "...Oh my God," Tahno whispers.

The others turn to look at him.

"You broke my - my nose. My perfect nose..." Tahno says, a little hysterical. He continues running his index finger and thumb up the bridge of it. "Oh my God," he keens, high in his throat. His eyes begin to well with tears.

"Tahno?" Korra tries, shuffling over to him and touching his shoulder.

He completely ignores her, shoving her out of the way and pointing at Mako.

"_YOU'LL PAY FOR DESTROYING MY PERFECT FACE_!"

"Tahno!" Korra scolds. "We're trying to be more _humble_, remember?"

"I'M GOING TO _KILL YOU_!" he screeches, causing some nearby birds to fly away.

Mako shrugs. "Sure you are."

Bolin practically has stars in his eyes.

/

"You shouldn't be so cruel to him," Asami says, sitting next to Mako a few yards away from the others. "If only because Korra is eventually going to get angry enough to kill you in his place."

Mako huffs a laugh, shaking his head. "Yeah, you're probably right. He just..." Mako sighs, ducking his head. "He said some things about Bolin. It just sort of, y'know. Set me off."

Asami smiles at him, eyes soft. "I think it's honorable of you to stand up for your brother," she concedes. "But you shouldn't have given him a concussion."

"We don't _know_ if he has a concussion," Mako argues. "He didn't hit the ground _that_ hard."

"Yes, but," Asami says, reaching over and squeezing his shoulder. Mako is confused by the gesture until she says, "now he has to stay up all night to make sure."

/

Sometime in the early hours of the morning, Mako wakes up to a knife in his face.

"Holy _shi - _!"

/

"If he didn't have a concussion before," Asami says, "he definitely has one now."

"_Listen_," Mako says.

"Don't. Say. Anything," Korra warns, dabbing the end of a wet shirt on the gash above Tahno's eyebrow. After a few moments of silence, she sighs. "He's going to be _so mad _about his face when he wakes up. So mad."

"_Well_," Bolin spits, "maybe he shouldn't have tried to kill my brother."

"I doubt he would've killed him," Korra defends, only to falter, slightly, when she remembers who she is talking about. "Um. Maybe." She shrinks a little bit when everyone else casts her a disbelieving look. "_Listen_," she says.

/

About an hour passes and Tahno doesn't wake up.

"Should we...take him to a hospital?" Asami asks.

Mako and Bolin both pretend not to hear her, but Korra merely makes a face and shrugs her shoulders.

"_Listen_," Asami sighs.

/

"I can't decide if this is the worst birthday ever or the best birthday ever," Bolin ponders from the backseat, crowded next to Korra because Tahno is propped against the window with his legs spread over their laps, blessedly still unconscious.

"I'm sure you've had better," Asami says from the front, yawning into her palm. "Is the hospital even open at four in the morning?"

"I don't even know where the hospital is," Mako confesses, fiddling with the GPS and almost veering off the road before Asami gently reminds him to watch out. "But once we find one, we should be able to get into the emergency room or something."

"Is this an emergency?" Bolin questions.

"Yes," Korra deadpans. "My boyfriend is in a coma."

"_Probably_ in a coma," Bolin corrects.

"Don't test me," Korra warns, petting Tahno's shin and frowning. "...You're not going to tell anyone that he tried to kill you, are you, Mako?"

"..." Mako says.

"We'll just - worry about that when the time comes," Asami says in an attempt to smooth things over. "Right now, let's just...appreciate the fact that Tahno is quiet."

The rest of the car ride passes in a serene silence.


End file.
